My very good friend committed suicide last week. I'm heartbroken. Absolutely devastated. He was the closest thing to a twin I've ever come to. I have to redefine my life now that he is not in it.
I've been thinking a lot about the conversations we had over the course of our friendship. We were both gay, stuttering, speech-language pathologists, who relocated to Seattle from out east, now each pursuing PhDs in stuttering at midwest schools. Some of the more trivial similarities: both our birthdays summed to 19 (2/17, 8/11), both of us moved from states beginning with "M" (Maine, Michigan), neither of us could decide whether Boston or Seattle was our favorite US city. One of the most profound similarities was our background: both raised in Christian homes (his Catholic, mine non-denominational). Both of us struggled to reconcile or faith and our sexuality.
We dealt with this seemingly incongruous dichotomy differently. My friend felt ostracized by the church and felt pushed out, unwanted. I also felt these things (and continue to do so on occasion) but, I continued in the church. However, I adopted a more "liberal" stance. I studied scripture and based on my experience, education, the experience of others, and the fruit of the lives of others who had reconciled their sexuality with their faith I came the conclusion that I worked out my salvation with fear and trembling and I've made the best decision I could. I will be true to myself: I owe myself and the world honesty. I will not pretend to be something I am not. There is nothing more humbling than coming before God and saying, "here I am at your mercy." This is my mantra: as long as I continue in my relationship with God how could he lead me in a direction that is counter to his desire for my life.
There are a lot of things I don't know. There are some things I do not want to think about. There are some things I do not want to know. I don't know why my friend committed suicide. I do not really know what happens after death. But I do know that God is merciful and loving. I know that God's heart breaks for the injustice his Church commits. If my friend had lost hope I believe the Church may have had a role in it. I believe a portion of my friend's blood is on the Church's hands. Because we are gay, they ostracized us, told us we were unwanted, abnormal, deviant, disgusting. They might not do these things personally, but actions speak louder than words. The Church fights dirty when it comes to homosexuality: some stir up their congregation by using hateful language that propagates incorrect and falsely generalized stereotypes. Some fight to take away civil rights of gays rather than to love them. Some fight to criminalize their love when they should be reaching out to them.
If you say hateful things about gay men and women and push them away from God I utterly believe that you are responsible for their salvation. Check your words people. Words matter. Consider mine: I'm done staying silent. I'm now an activist. The lives of others are too important for me not to be.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Fun Times with Mom
So, as some of you know, my mom is nearing the end of her life. One of the saving graces of this wretched time in my life is that my mom has kept her sense of humor. Here is one of my favorite stories:
Mom has had a taste for rice krispie treats. My grandma made her a whole pan. She had one of them, but her voracious family consumed the remainder of the pan. One Sunday morning, while my family was at church, Mom wanted a snack. Having no rice krispies Mom decided she wanted some chocolate no-bake cookies. If you haven't had them, they are little nuggets of heaven: a delicious combination of oatmeal, chocolate, peanut butter and sugar.
Being a good son, I made her some. However, she had some special instructions. "Make sure you hide them really well so the rest of them don't find them." Things were all well and good for a couple days. Mom had a bit of a cookie every now and then. And all was right with the world.
Then Tuesday came. Tuesday night my sister, Beth, walked into the living room eating a delicious piece of heaven. Thinking Mom was sound a sleep, all of us in the room jumped out of our skin when we heard her shrill, but surprisingly loud, voice say, "OH NO!!! They found them!!!" Once our heart rates returned to normal we ( I ) cracked up. I found it quite hilarious that the prospect of not getting another cookie elicited such a dramatic response.
In the following days my grandma made Mom another pan of rice krispies. I wrote, "MOM'S" on the plastic wrap over them. Four days later, we still have 2/3 pan.
I love my mom. I will miss my mom.
Mom has had a taste for rice krispie treats. My grandma made her a whole pan. She had one of them, but her voracious family consumed the remainder of the pan. One Sunday morning, while my family was at church, Mom wanted a snack. Having no rice krispies Mom decided she wanted some chocolate no-bake cookies. If you haven't had them, they are little nuggets of heaven: a delicious combination of oatmeal, chocolate, peanut butter and sugar.
Being a good son, I made her some. However, she had some special instructions. "Make sure you hide them really well so the rest of them don't find them." Things were all well and good for a couple days. Mom had a bit of a cookie every now and then. And all was right with the world.
Then Tuesday came. Tuesday night my sister, Beth, walked into the living room eating a delicious piece of heaven. Thinking Mom was sound a sleep, all of us in the room jumped out of our skin when we heard her shrill, but surprisingly loud, voice say, "OH NO!!! They found them!!!" Once our heart rates returned to normal we ( I ) cracked up. I found it quite hilarious that the prospect of not getting another cookie elicited such a dramatic response.
In the following days my grandma made Mom another pan of rice krispies. I wrote, "MOM'S" on the plastic wrap over them. Four days later, we still have 2/3 pan.
I love my mom. I will miss my mom.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Dusting off the old Writing Skills
So, my writing hat has sat unadorned for quite a while. I'm beginning my statement of purpose for applying to the University of Iowa and I'm feeling quite a bit rusty. It's hard work. I might share some of it later. We'll see how it turns out.
And I have sad news: the perpetual buzz cut is on it's way. My hair is just too thin on top to justify keeping it as long as I do :( and I'd rather be bald by choice than hanging on by a few wisps. Getting old is no fun.
Other tid bits of information worth knowing:
- the VA hospital in Seattle is looking for a speech pathologist. I'm thinking about applying.
- I'm also thinking about doing some cold calls to area hospitals. According to the other speech pathologist at work Seattle Children's Hospital has a waiting list for evaluations. So, they may be looking for some per diem speech pathologists.
- Justin and Natalie are coming to visit me in October. I'm very excited.
- my other stuttering speech pathologist friend has moved to Nebraska to begin his PhD ... I'm all alone again (not really).
- I'm just waiting for the paperwork to be turned in and processed and then I am a bona fide speech-language pathologist!!!! I'll be a CCC-SLP!!! (no longer CF-SLP)
- That's about it
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Corn Fields, Hamburgers and Universities
So, apparently 2009 has not been my year for faithful blogging.
I am currently sitting in the Eastern Iowa Airport awaiting my flight home attempting to ignore a troupe of rambunctious teenagers heading to Detroit (at least I hope they are going to Detroit because that flight is beginning to board now).
I visited the University of Iowa the past few days. I was impressed with the size of their department and the breadth of knowledge contained within their faculty's education and experience. I was also privy to the data collection process of a few subjects in their stuttering research lab. These included some standardized language and intelligence testing, gathering of kinematic data where the position of the upper lip, lower lip and jaw relative to various reference points around the face. This was similar to the data I analyzed for my thesis; however, there are striking differences as well. These are unimportant. I got to be nerdy: this is all that matters.
In addition to speaking with the researcher that I would be working with should I attend Iowa, I had the opportunity to speak with three PhD candidates and a student about to begin the PhD program in Educational Psychology. I was able to have a great number of my questions answered. And I had a fun time too! I drank so much coffee with the researcher and PhD students. I went bowling with some of the students and their spouses.
Iowa City is nothing to write home about. It reminds me of Kalamazoo: an art-sy large town surrounded by farms. There were things I enjoyed more about Iowa City versus Kalamazoo. The university abuts the downtown portion of the city, so downtown is easily accessible from the university. Speaking of downtown, it is rather small, but has a certain charm to it. There is a rather large pedestiran mall, quite a bit larger than the Kalamazoo Pedestrian Mall. The "Old State Capital" (Iowa City was the original capital of the State of Iowa), is clearly the center of townwith downtown radiating to the east and the west of the capitol building.
On the whole I enjoyed my visit. It reignited my excitment about continuing on in my education. I will be applying for the fall, but may possibly request a deferrment if the starts do not align.
I am currently sitting in the Eastern Iowa Airport awaiting my flight home attempting to ignore a troupe of rambunctious teenagers heading to Detroit (at least I hope they are going to Detroit because that flight is beginning to board now).
I visited the University of Iowa the past few days. I was impressed with the size of their department and the breadth of knowledge contained within their faculty's education and experience. I was also privy to the data collection process of a few subjects in their stuttering research lab. These included some standardized language and intelligence testing, gathering of kinematic data where the position of the upper lip, lower lip and jaw relative to various reference points around the face. This was similar to the data I analyzed for my thesis; however, there are striking differences as well. These are unimportant. I got to be nerdy: this is all that matters.
In addition to speaking with the researcher that I would be working with should I attend Iowa, I had the opportunity to speak with three PhD candidates and a student about to begin the PhD program in Educational Psychology. I was able to have a great number of my questions answered. And I had a fun time too! I drank so much coffee with the researcher and PhD students. I went bowling with some of the students and their spouses.
Iowa City is nothing to write home about. It reminds me of Kalamazoo: an art-sy large town surrounded by farms. There were things I enjoyed more about Iowa City versus Kalamazoo. The university abuts the downtown portion of the city, so downtown is easily accessible from the university. Speaking of downtown, it is rather small, but has a certain charm to it. There is a rather large pedestiran mall, quite a bit larger than the Kalamazoo Pedestrian Mall. The "Old State Capital" (Iowa City was the original capital of the State of Iowa), is clearly the center of townwith downtown radiating to the east and the west of the capitol building.
On the whole I enjoyed my visit. It reignited my excitment about continuing on in my education. I will be applying for the fall, but may possibly request a deferrment if the starts do not align.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
A Little of This, a Little of That
So I haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that.
Anyway - here are some highlights of my life thus far.
- I love living in Seattle. While it does rain frequently, there are days (like today) that completely make up for the fact that it rained ALL LAST WEEK! Today we have blue skies (a few clouds), cool temperature (high 50s, low 60s - I love that temperature). My neighborhood smells like flowers - constantly, my neighborhood library has ivy growing INSIDE the building, the sidewalks are carpeted in hues of pink and white from the amazing supply of tree flowers that have since shed their petals (it's really like snow in a way - but pink snow that's not cold). And finally, even when it's not a glorious day like it is today, the gray skies are rarely a singular shade of gray, but instead the sky is a rainbow of gray (I know - it's rather boring, but I had to try). ooh - yesterday after work, some friends and I drove down to the beach (we really should have walked, but we were beat after work so we drove). While sitting on a drift wood log peering out into the sound we enjoyed a sunset over the Olympic Mountains. It was rather fun.
- I enjoy my job. I don't love it, it's not the amazing-wonderful-best-job-ever I was hoping for. But it's a job that pays well that I enjoy. When I (finally) get my certification we will see what happens. I don't expect I'll leave Seattle, but the possibilities for finding a new job open up substantially. (but, in all honesty, because I am seriously considering pursuing a PhD at either the University of Iowa or Purdue University I may simply stay at my job and pick up some per diem work at a local hospital).
- I'm making friends. Some really good friends, others just acquaintances. But they are fun to share an evening with either way. In fact, some friends (Chris and Katy - they are speech pathologists too) are going to celebrate Katy's 27th birthday this very evening. (btw - I'm dreading my 27th birthday. Then I am officially in my "late 20's" ... how depressing).
All in all, my life is not very exciting. Sunsets on the beach, walking downtown to go to Pike Place Market to buy flowers or fresh fruits - I really need to go to the fish market though). Using my car for transportation to and from work and leaving it sit the rest of the time - love it! But I'm a city boy now. I think I'll have a rough time adjusting to life in suburban American if (when) I move there again. But that's then - this is now. I plan on fully enjoying my urban life until I am forced to leave :)
Anyway - here are some highlights of my life thus far.
- I love living in Seattle. While it does rain frequently, there are days (like today) that completely make up for the fact that it rained ALL LAST WEEK! Today we have blue skies (a few clouds), cool temperature (high 50s, low 60s - I love that temperature). My neighborhood smells like flowers - constantly, my neighborhood library has ivy growing INSIDE the building, the sidewalks are carpeted in hues of pink and white from the amazing supply of tree flowers that have since shed their petals (it's really like snow in a way - but pink snow that's not cold). And finally, even when it's not a glorious day like it is today, the gray skies are rarely a singular shade of gray, but instead the sky is a rainbow of gray (I know - it's rather boring, but I had to try). ooh - yesterday after work, some friends and I drove down to the beach (we really should have walked, but we were beat after work so we drove). While sitting on a drift wood log peering out into the sound we enjoyed a sunset over the Olympic Mountains. It was rather fun.
- I enjoy my job. I don't love it, it's not the amazing-wonderful-best-job-ever I was hoping for. But it's a job that pays well that I enjoy. When I (finally) get my certification we will see what happens. I don't expect I'll leave Seattle, but the possibilities for finding a new job open up substantially. (but, in all honesty, because I am seriously considering pursuing a PhD at either the University of Iowa or Purdue University I may simply stay at my job and pick up some per diem work at a local hospital).
- I'm making friends. Some really good friends, others just acquaintances. But they are fun to share an evening with either way. In fact, some friends (Chris and Katy - they are speech pathologists too) are going to celebrate Katy's 27th birthday this very evening. (btw - I'm dreading my 27th birthday. Then I am officially in my "late 20's" ... how depressing).
All in all, my life is not very exciting. Sunsets on the beach, walking downtown to go to Pike Place Market to buy flowers or fresh fruits - I really need to go to the fish market though). Using my car for transportation to and from work and leaving it sit the rest of the time - love it! But I'm a city boy now. I think I'll have a rough time adjusting to life in suburban American if (when) I move there again. But that's then - this is now. I plan on fully enjoying my urban life until I am forced to leave :)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Three Hours
I'm wondering if other east "coast" transplants to the west coast have this sensation: I feel disconnected from the rest of the world.
It's not that I don't enjoy Seattle. I love Seattle. It's not that I'm lonely. I am making friends. It's not that I need anything. It's just that I feel so far away from the rest of the world. I can talk to my friends in New Zealand who are three hours behind me, tomorrow (as in when I'm talking to them at 9PM on Sunday they are talking to me at 6PM on Monday). I generally take a late lunch, and so when I'm eating lunch Europe is settling down to sleep and the east coast is leaving work and starting to have dinner. I'm not used to feeling so behind schedule. I'm sure I will become accustomed to it. It's just odd to see a time stamp on a presidential speech that is three hours ahead of schedule. It's just odd. I don't think it would be different if I were at the other end of the spectrum (i.e., in New Zealand and having dinner when the rest of the world is waking up.
I'm used to being at the center of the world: that being when Western Europe and the East Coast are awake. I'm not there anymore. and it's a little odd. I miss being just 4-5 hours behind London (depending on Day-Light Savings time). This 7-8 bour buisness is crazy.
OMG - this guy sitting next to me keeps hauking up snot and it's gross. I want him to stop. It's just gross. BLOW YOUR FREAKING NOSE!!!!!!!!
Anyway - it's time for lunch.
It's not that I don't enjoy Seattle. I love Seattle. It's not that I'm lonely. I am making friends. It's not that I need anything. It's just that I feel so far away from the rest of the world. I can talk to my friends in New Zealand who are three hours behind me, tomorrow (as in when I'm talking to them at 9PM on Sunday they are talking to me at 6PM on Monday). I generally take a late lunch, and so when I'm eating lunch Europe is settling down to sleep and the east coast is leaving work and starting to have dinner. I'm not used to feeling so behind schedule. I'm sure I will become accustomed to it. It's just odd to see a time stamp on a presidential speech that is three hours ahead of schedule. It's just odd. I don't think it would be different if I were at the other end of the spectrum (i.e., in New Zealand and having dinner when the rest of the world is waking up.
I'm used to being at the center of the world: that being when Western Europe and the East Coast are awake. I'm not there anymore. and it's a little odd. I miss being just 4-5 hours behind London (depending on Day-Light Savings time). This 7-8 bour buisness is crazy.
OMG - this guy sitting next to me keeps hauking up snot and it's gross. I want him to stop. It's just gross. BLOW YOUR FREAKING NOSE!!!!!!!!
Anyway - it's time for lunch.
Monday, January 5, 2009
When it Rains it Pours
And then the heavens open up and dump a veritable monsoon on top of my head.
Seattle is getting *ahem* more snow. I'm sick of this!
Tonight I was having dinner with some friends. And when I go to leave my friend's house there was a note on my car saying that a rather large vehicle had ran into my car and then subsequently run off without leaving any information. Thankfully, the observers were able to obtain the vehicle's license plate number. Oh JOY! More dealing with insurance companies, and my car is assuredly totaled now. I will *not* be purchasing a nice car. I might even continue to drive my car, broken truck, dented-in rear drivers side door until it falls apart. Ironically, this was the same door that struck the pole way back in January 2004. Great. At this rate it's not worth purchasing a valuable piece of property.
I'm ready for my good luck to start. My bad luck has just about run it's course. Three times over.
Seattle is getting *ahem* more snow. I'm sick of this!
Tonight I was having dinner with some friends. And when I go to leave my friend's house there was a note on my car saying that a rather large vehicle had ran into my car and then subsequently run off without leaving any information. Thankfully, the observers were able to obtain the vehicle's license plate number. Oh JOY! More dealing with insurance companies, and my car is assuredly totaled now. I will *not* be purchasing a nice car. I might even continue to drive my car, broken truck, dented-in rear drivers side door until it falls apart. Ironically, this was the same door that struck the pole way back in January 2004. Great. At this rate it's not worth purchasing a valuable piece of property.
I'm ready for my good luck to start. My bad luck has just about run it's course. Three times over.
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