Goal: Accomplished

So, I have reached a new level in my seasoned career of negative 30 days, a thesis, a giant test and a 9 month internship from being a certified speech-language pathologist: for the first time a patient has requested not to receive therapy from me because of my stutter.  One might say that this is an odd thing to call a goal to be accomplished.  Yet, I a logical and rational human being, realized there was a ticking bomb related to this. Ultimately, I knew, one day I would have a patient request not to work with me because I have a more difficult time speaking in a fluid stream of words than the rest of you "neuro-typicals" (I got that phrase from my friend Peter - awesome).  Honestly, I was quite pleased with the manner in which the situation was handled.  I was never offended and was not made to feel incompetent.  My supervisor reassured me that I am doing good work and none of our other patients had taken issue with it.  I assume the family spoke with my supervisor after hours.  My supervisor then came and spoke to me (this was last week, mind you) and she said that I have three options: 1) the other slp could treat the patient, 2) my supervisor could treat the patient and I could observe or 3) I could treat the patient if I were certain that I could use the therapy techniques and "control" my stuttering.

Anyway, all of this made the come to this realization: while I have dealt with my stuttering - the emotions (anxiety, fear) that accompany the social pressure to "talk good" that easily overwhelms even fluent speakers (let alone stutterers).  And while I have dealt with the physical aspects (not to say that I don't stutter, but that I have eliminated (most of) the secondary behaviors that accompany it, and for for the most part, my stutter does not interrupt or dictate my life).  I have given stuttering therapy, provided counseling (advice) for other stutterers.  Even through all of that there is still a little bit of me that considers my stuttering to be synonymous with an unsightly mole or character flaw that my friends/family must over look.  That somehow they (you) are doing me a favor by liking me.  Now, intellectually, I know this to be erroneous.  But "knowing" something and "believing" something are entirely different animals.  I think that I will carry the scar of "my unsightly stutter" forever.  I think that I will always beat back the feelings of insecurity that can accompany an awkward situation or a failed attempt at speaking fluently.  Nevertheless, life goes on, and I "know" that I will be a better speech-language pathologist because of my own struggle with communicating myself.  Eh, such is life - right?!?!?!?!?!?!