In Deep Mourning

My very good friend committed suicide last week. I'm heartbroken. Absolutely devastated. He was the closest thing to a twin I've ever come to. I have to redefine my life now that he is not in it.

I've been thinking a lot about the conversations we had over the course of our friendship. We were both gay, stuttering, speech-language pathologists, who relocated to Seattle from out east, now each pursuing PhDs in stuttering at midwest schools. Some of the more trivial similarities: both our birthdays summed to 19 (2/17, 8/11), both of us moved from states beginning with "M" (Maine, Michigan), neither of us could decide whether Boston or Seattle was our favorite US city. One of the most profound similarities was our background: both raised in Christian homes (his Catholic, mine non-denominational). Both of us struggled to reconcile or faith and our sexuality.

We dealt with this seemingly incongruous dichotomy differently. My friend felt ostracized by the church and felt pushed out, unwanted. I also felt these things (and continue to do so on occasion) but, I continued in the church. However, I adopted a more "liberal" stance. I studied scripture and based on my experience, education, the experience of others, and the fruit of the lives of others who had reconciled their sexuality with their faith I came the conclusion that I worked out my salvation with fear and trembling and I've made the best decision I could. I will be true to myself: I owe myself and the world honesty. I will not pretend to be something I am not. There is nothing more humbling than coming before God and saying, "here I am at your mercy." This is my mantra: as long as I continue in my relationship with God how could he lead me in a direction that is counter to his desire for my life.

There are a lot of things I don't know. There are some things I do not want to think about. There are some things I do not want to know. I don't know why my friend committed suicide. I do not really know what happens after death. But I do know that God is merciful and loving. I know that God's heart breaks for the injustice his Church commits. If my friend had lost hope I believe the Church may have had a role in it. I believe a portion of my friend's blood is on the Church's hands. Because we are gay, they ostracized us, told us we were unwanted, abnormal, deviant, disgusting. They might not do these things personally, but actions speak louder than words. The Church fights dirty when it comes to homosexuality: some stir up their congregation by using hateful language that propagates incorrect and falsely generalized stereotypes. Some fight to take away civil rights of gays rather than to love them. Some fight to criminalize their love when they should be reaching out to them.

If you say hateful things about gay men and women and push them away from God I utterly believe that you are responsible for their salvation. Check your words people. Words matter. Consider mine: I'm done staying silent. I'm now an activist. The lives of others are too important for me not to be.