AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That basically sums up how I feel: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  My graduation is in 26 days (wow), and I'M NOT READY FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have an online class where ump-teen posting are required each week, I have a giant test to take, I have to go to my internship everyday, and on top of all of that I have a thesis to finish.  To make a long story short I'm emotionally ready to start crossing things off of my to-do list, yet I am not ready to do any of it.  Granted, I should not be worrying about the job or the giant test.  I'm taking the test in June, and the job search can hold off until after graduation (I was calling April 1 my day to begin my job search ... I have a feeling that April 1 [which will begin in 11 minutes] will come and go without me looking for jobs.)  I was talking to my friend Meghan to day, and she gave me permission to freak out a little bit and then not worry about the test or the job search.  Yet - I'm still thinking about them (obviously, or I would not be blogging about them).

Anyway, in other news I just submitted a proposal to present my thesis at the national speech pathology convention in November.  My proposal was not great, so I don't have high hopes, but you never know.  But, if it does get accepted I'll be in Chicago in the middle of November ... I think the weekend before Thanksgiving.  So, that could be quite fortuitous timing.  Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say.  I was going to call someone, but then realized that everyone who would care (or pretend to care) was already asleep, like I should be.  

So, that's what I'm going to do: go  to sleep.

Goal: Accomplished

So, I have reached a new level in my seasoned career of negative 30 days, a thesis, a giant test and a 9 month internship from being a certified speech-language pathologist: for the first time a patient has requested not to receive therapy from me because of my stutter.  One might say that this is an odd thing to call a goal to be accomplished.  Yet, I a logical and rational human being, realized there was a ticking bomb related to this. Ultimately, I knew, one day I would have a patient request not to work with me because I have a more difficult time speaking in a fluid stream of words than the rest of you "neuro-typicals" (I got that phrase from my friend Peter - awesome).  Honestly, I was quite pleased with the manner in which the situation was handled.  I was never offended and was not made to feel incompetent.  My supervisor reassured me that I am doing good work and none of our other patients had taken issue with it.  I assume the family spoke with my supervisor after hours.  My supervisor then came and spoke to me (this was last week, mind you) and she said that I have three options: 1) the other slp could treat the patient, 2) my supervisor could treat the patient and I could observe or 3) I could treat the patient if I were certain that I could use the therapy techniques and "control" my stuttering.

Anyway, all of this made the come to this realization: while I have dealt with my stuttering - the emotions (anxiety, fear) that accompany the social pressure to "talk good" that easily overwhelms even fluent speakers (let alone stutterers).  And while I have dealt with the physical aspects (not to say that I don't stutter, but that I have eliminated (most of) the secondary behaviors that accompany it, and for for the most part, my stutter does not interrupt or dictate my life).  I have given stuttering therapy, provided counseling (advice) for other stutterers.  Even through all of that there is still a little bit of me that considers my stuttering to be synonymous with an unsightly mole or character flaw that my friends/family must over look.  That somehow they (you) are doing me a favor by liking me.  Now, intellectually, I know this to be erroneous.  But "knowing" something and "believing" something are entirely different animals.  I think that I will carry the scar of "my unsightly stutter" forever.  I think that I will always beat back the feelings of insecurity that can accompany an awkward situation or a failed attempt at speaking fluently.  Nevertheless, life goes on, and I "know" that I will be a better speech-language pathologist because of my own struggle with communicating myself.  Eh, such is life - right?!?!?!?!?!?!

one midnight gone (well, a little more than one)

props to anyone who caught the Into the Woods reference.

Anyway, I got out of my internship a little early today (4:30), so I decided to pop into a coffee shop in downtown Battle Creek to do some homework, and what not.  So, here I am at Brownstone Coffee at 18.5 Michigan Ave in battle creek.  I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into the shop.  Initially, I did not expect to be impressed.  It's in Battle Creek, which doesn't bode well (Battle Creek, in general, just doesn't appeal to me).  Anyway.  I walked into the dimly lit, narrow, but exceedingly long shop, heard the soft blues/jazz music playing overhead and ordered my Americano from the barista, who was quite warm and friendly.  I found my way to one of the tables lining the left side of the shop, each individually lit by a light, alternating between mini torch lamps and "lawyer-style" desk lamps.  Across from me there are three circular glass tables with chairs that match the table support.  the chair backs all have steaming cups of coffee etched out of them.  - it adds a nice little bit.  Anyway, on the right wall there is a series of three murals, one of a Hindu god (with 8 arms - can't remember the name), another of a guy with a yellow trench coat (reminding me of Dick Tracey) hanging out of a train to grab a cappuccino from a cappuccino machine, and the third of a finely painted coffee cup with a barista floating out of the steam rising from the cup.  and then there are pictures and paintings for sale hung all throughout the the shop.  my favorite part, however, is the ceiling.  it consists of finely detailed tin ceiling tiles, painted a creme color, the duct work is exposed, track lighting at 45 degree angles to the walls, and then, above the coffee bar is an A-frame skylight.  So, in a word the coffee shop has character.  and the coffee wasn't bad either.

anyway, the internship is going well.   I'm learning lots.  there is quite a steep learning curve - I'm doing virtually all cognitive therapy (stuff I haven't done).  my patients are, for the most part, good to work with.  We did an evaluation of one guy yesterday - he was motivated and congenial.  Today, that was not the same story.  He was agitated and uncooperative.  and refused services.  we returned later in the day, no change.  we found out that he was upset about the status of his pills (crushed in applesauce) and was attributing that change to us.  but we never saw him for swallowing eval, so we didn't order that.  Anyway - that's the life of an SLP when you work with brain injury - ups and downs, and - WOW, where did that come from.

Anyway, the coffee shop is about to close (that's a downer - they close early, then again it's in BC, and they probably don't have the customer base to stay open past 6).  Anyway, I will write later.